I wrote this at midnight on November 23, 2019, planning to post it, but I didn’t because I was scared. Today, something led me to get it out there. Maybe because I’ve been feeling very low for the past two days. Maybe someone else needs to hear this. Maybe because I just realized that May is Mental Health Awareness Month. But here it is.
To the person out there who is ready to give up: it’s going to be okay.
I know how hard it is to deal with so much stress and want it all to end. I walk around like everything is okay when deep down, sometimes I wish I could die. I’m so uncertain of the future, and sometimes I feel like a failure, and sometimes I feel like I have nobody. I understand. I go to therapy and find ways to relax like reading, writing, and exercising. But there are also times where I’m in my room curled up in a ball having a bad anxiety attack. There are times where I don’t have the energy to get out of bed. I get it.
Life sucks sometimes. Everyone knows that, but it’ll be okay. It’s only a bad day, not a bad life. It’ll be okay. You know how many times I’ve thought about taking my own life or how much I wish I could just die? I’m still here. One of my worst days was today. I was having one of the worst anxiety attacks I’ve ever had, and I was hoping that it would kill me. I was feeling lightheaded, and I wanted it to kill me so bad. In my head, I kept thinking, “please just kill me already.” But it didn’t.
I’m not perfect. I do have my moments where my emotions get all out of whack, and anxiety or depression overwhelms me. Sometimes it’s hard, but I still take myself to work and do things that I know will make me happy. My boyfriend is always telling me how strong I am. Honestly, I probably could’ve ended my life today. I thought I would, but I didn’t. And I’m okay now. I know you’ll be too.
Please, please, please make your mental health a top priority. Do whatever it takes to make yourself feel good. Talk to someone you trust. Do an activity that you love. Get a hobby. Cut out whatever or whoever it is that’s destroying your mental health because it’s so not worth it. They are so not worth it. I saw a cool quote the other day that said, “if it costs you your well being, it’s too much.” And on the times when you’re feeling low, try to remember that it’ll be okay. You’ll be okay.